Our great hope.

I'm writing this post because I need to. Because I want to. Because I want to talk about what I often would rather not say because it's painful for me and awkward for you. Because I know that my story is the story of many, many other women. And I know that we are entrusted with suffering to offer comfort to others.

*As an aside here- in the midst of this suffering for us, I was comforted and prayed for and loved by a sweet friend who has lost much, but who I've seen remain faithful and filled with hope. What a joy to be able to continue her family's legacy. You can read her story here.

But God is writing this story for us, so I want to physically write it as a way of documentation and declaration. 

He is what is great. He is our treasure. And that's what He's been teaching our family through loss.

In the past 6 months, we've lost 2 sweet babies. Life doesn't stop and as time goes on, a baby that was once so real and a part of our family seems only a distant fleeting thought. But writing that sentence, "...we've lost 2 sweet babies" brings the reality back like a flood. Those were our babies that God entrusted to us, if only for a short time, for our good and His glory. So I want to press into that and tell you the story.

Our first positive pregnancy test (late July) was quite a shock. It was only a few weeks earlier that we decided we were ready to add another little David to our family. But we were excited, regardless of the timing and started dreaming of what Elle would be like as a big sister and how our lives would change. But only two days after we had begun celebrating, we found out that God had another plan and that we would not get to meet that sweet baby. We had our first miscarriage. It was hard. But it was deemed a  "chemical pregnancy." We did, in fact, conceive, but the baby never had time to attach to the uterine wall. It made it seem so anatomical and that helped in dealing with the loss. 

After talking to nurses and being reassured that miscarriage was normal, there was no reason for them to think that there was anything wrong with my body and in all likelihood, our next pregnancy would be healthy, I was ready. I was confident. I knew that next time would be different.

Our second positive pregnancy test was at the end of October. I had been feeling a little weird and decided I would take a test, just to be sure. Mostly because I had been drinking caffeine like there was no tomorrow and I knew that I wanted to tone it down a bit if God were to let us get pregnant again :) 

The test was positive and I cut myself down to one cup a day. (Instead of 3! Yikes!) We were excited! I  had regular bloodwork done, since my progesterone levels are always low. I had 2 sonograms (our dr. just wanted to check in often, since my levels are weird) and we even got to see an itty bitty heartbeat. Oh, how sweet that was. 

As I walked into the lab after that positive pregnancy test, I told God, "I will be so so sad if you take this sweet baby from us. Please, please don't." Immediately after I prayed that, I was reminded that Jesus suffered. That He talked to His Father just like I was doing and said, "Please, please don't" when He was facing death on a cross. But, He also trusted that His Father's plans were best. That there was more joy for Him in walking to death on a cross than what seemed more comfortable in that moment. I also remembered the promise that He would be with me. How sweet a promise it is to know that your Savior and King, who suffered unimaginably more than the loss of a baby, was going to walk with me no matter what the circumstance. There was such hope and comfort in that and it was such a grace to me to have that truth solidified in my heart in the weeks that followed.

The whole month that I was pregnant, I kept WANTING to feel tired. Trust me, I totally wanted to be able to justify taking a nap every day. But I never felt THAT tired. I never felt THAT awful. And in the back of my mind I kept wondering if everything was ok. I knew the reality. I knew that we were not promised a healthy baby at the end of 9 months. But still, I was excited and hopeful that we would get to meet and hold our sweet baby at the end of it all. Because according to the statistics, this was supposed to be the normal pregnancy, right? 1/3 end in miscarriage. I already had the one! So this should be the other side. Statistics failed me.

We went to our 8 week ObGYN exam. We were really excited. We even brought Elle so she could see her baby brother or sister! (In hindsight- WHAT were we thinking? It was a horrible decision. Lesson learned.) And then our sweet doctor began to explain that he was not seeing a heartbeat. That the baby was measuring only 6 1/2 weeks instead of the 8 that it should be measuring. My heart was pounding. He started explaining things like chromosomal mismatches and duplication and drawing charts that I couldn't see through the tears. He was so sweet and so kind but left us to mourn the loss of a baby we never got to meet. I cried a lot.  And then Tyler and I went home and just sat on the couch and looked at each other. Neither of us knew what to say or do. A good friend reminded us that that's the proof that we weren't created to experience grief like that. Because in those moments, no one knows just what to do. We felt the pain of death and sin that we were never created to feel. And the awkwardness that comes with that. 

We talked about how this would probably not be the last time we cried tears like this together. This loss had sobered us and reminded us that suffering is guaranteed in a world that is broken. Unless Jesus comes back soon and makes everything right, our lives will continue to be riddled with moments like this. And oh, how it made us long for our mighty King to return in victory. To fix what is broken in our world. To banish death for forever. To show us the purpose He had for us in losing another sweet baby. 

So, we learned that day (even more profoundly than from our first miscarriage) that Jesus is our hope. Not statistics. Not a healthy baby. Not an easy life. Not a huge family with wonderful children. We learned and are learning still the truth that Jesus carries us, sustains us, gives gifts of joy and allows suffering that we might know more of His heart, to show us that He is enough. Even in the pain. Even on the nights when I think about what that baby would have been like and get sad and miss what I had only for a short time. Even when I'm reminded that I'm missing out when I see the bulging bellies and Facebook posts of pregnant friends, that I won't ever feel that baby kick. Even when I look at my sweet daughter and think about what a great big sister she would have been to that little one. He is enough. Although I won't ever know that baby in this life, I am still accepted as His daughter. I will still get to spend an eternity with my King singing about how great He is. Even though I struggle with discontentment, with jealousy, with materialism, with laziness, because of the price Jesus paid- I get to know Him. And there is so much joy to be had in Him.

There are many gifts that God gave us through the loss of our little 8-week-old, itty-bitty, jelly-bean baby. Tyler will say that God granted him sobriety and diligence and enabled him to work hard because he was shown that life was short and uncertain and Jesus is all that is promised to us.

 We've grown as companions in all of this. Our bond has been strengthened and sweetened. I am so, so thankful for a husband like him. What a sweet, undeserved gift he is to me. 

After a loss like that, I will say that I know what it is to hope in Jesus more than ever before. Not hoping that Jesus would give me this or that thing, but that I have hope that this is not the end. That because Jesus has conquered death, the death of my sweet child is not the end of his story. Not the end of my life. And I can hope that at the end of my life here He will allow my heart to say- You were the best thing I knew in my life on earth. Oh goodness, how I feel the pull to want anything other than Him on a daily basis. I think I'm seeing (through miscarriage) that children are a glaring idol in my life and there is a temptation (and more often than not it is fleshed out) to find ALL of my joy in them. But, my hope is that by His good grace, He will equip me to fight that sin and that I would only ever view Him as the source of my joy and that any other sweet gift He gives me would enable me to enjoy Him even more because of His goodness and kindness to me.

On the flip side of that, I have learned what a sweet, miraculous gift my daughter is. We have been given 20 wonderful months, each day sweeter than the last, with Elle, but we are not promised a second more. Every moment, every "first" is a gift and I want to love Jesus more for granting us with a gift that we are nowhere close to being worthy of. 

Going forward, we are nervous. We are nervous to get pregnant again. In fact, my initial thought during  the height of all that pain was, "Nope. Not doing that again. We'll just adopt." Funny how this was the same sentiment I had during labor. It's evidence of my tendency to just eject during painful circumstances. To refuse to trust God for the joy set before me because of Jesus. In response to this, faith for us means continuing to try to have babies. We want to adopt one day, and I really believe that we will. But we don't want to do that out of fear and out of a mistrust of a God who even through pain has been nothing but kind and good to us. So we will walk forward, lean on the Holy Spirit to help us trust Him when it's hard and fight to hope in Jesus for all of our joy and our contentment no matter if I ever get to carry a baby again or not.

That's our story. That's my heart. That's my hope. 

1. Child Dedication

Tonight at church, a sweet family that I don't know stood before their church family and asked that we would commit to praying for their sweet son, Tyler. (not my Tyler, obviously.) They asked that we would pray for them, that God would guide them, provide wisdom, encouragement and correction as they seek to raise their son to love and trust our King and Savior, Jesus.

I. lost. it.

Did I mention I don't know this family at all? I have never even seen them before this evening. But it was such a beautiful picture and reminder of the importance of community in raising my kid.

I NEED people around me that are praying for me. Praying for Tyler. Praying for Elle. Correcting me when I'm harsh or lazy. Encouraging me with the truth that Jesus uses my failures as a mom for my daughter's good. Reminding me that if I do anything right and good for her soul, it is because God is using me and ultimately because He loves her more than I could ever dream! (Which is quite mind boggling, because I cannot imagine anyone loving anything more than I love her.)

And at the end of it all, God willing, if her soul is well with her Creator, there will be a group of people going cuh-razy with joy because they fought alongside me for her to know Him and love Him above all else.  And THAT is what makes my knees go weak with joy and my heart pound with hope. I am not in this alone. I am speechlessly thankful for a community of men and women (and all their crazy kids) that love Jesus, want Him more than anything, and want me and my family to want Him more than anything and everything as well.

Praising Jesus tonight for His beautiful, beautiful Bride. What a gift to get to raise another life, with all it's failures and victories, heartaches and joys, trials and gifts, together with the Body of Christ.

Look what we saw today...

That's right. That's a baby. That's a David baby that is currently growing in my unsuspecting belly. Here are some questions you might be wondering:

Was this planned?

Pah! Is what I say to this. If you knew my husband... you would know that this was not planned! (Although, in the months before we found out we were, in fact, with child, he did admit to wanting a baby...) However unplanned, we are very very VERY excited! Tyler just giggled throughout the entire sonogram. :) Seeing that little nugget move around today, hearing the sweetest little heart beat and realizing that God has given us life to nurture, love and teach was humbling and absolutely awe inspiring. And frankly, a bit surreal, if not for all the nausea and the eating, I might not believe that sonogram or the 5 pregnancy tests that I took.

How far along are you?

I am 12 weeks. That means in two weeks I am finito with my first trimester. (Not all trimesters are created equal. This one is 13 weeks and not twelve like the sweet little suffix suggests.) I'm very ready to be done with this trimester. It hasn't been awful, but I want energy and an appetite back. Baby David will be entering the world on April 17, 2011. (ish.)

Are you finding out what you're having?

ABSOLUTELY! I made our 16 wk. appointment today and I am already counting down the days until we get to figure out if baby will be bambina or bambino. I'll reveal the names we've been tossing around then. Some people really like to keep all these things to themselves, but 1) we're just not that private in many respects and 2) I can't keep a secret to save my life, especially when I'm excited about it! (Unless you have revealed something in confidence to me at some point in my life, in which I have kept it under lock and key. Except for maybe when I was in middle school. Please forgive me.)

How are you feeling?

Physically: Mostly tired. Mostly like I'm going to vomit in the p.m. hours. Sometimes I'm STARVING, then my sweet husband makes me a sandwich and I just cannot even eat it. Sometimes I can't decide if I'm full or still hungry. Strange things. But, looking at the big picture, I've been really blessed. Many women feel much worse than I have felt. I've only stayed home sick once from work to recover from a particularly sickly night. But other than that, I've been able to get my job done, if not above and beyond, at least I know my kids are learning.

Emotionally: Oh gosh, this changes by the hour. I will say... as of late (especially today, I suppose) I've been much more excited about the prospect of having a sweet little love bug to gush all kinds of affection towards. Today, sitting in the waiting room, I realized for the first time that there will soon be a little one in my life that says "mama!" excitedly when he/she sees me. But it's not uncommon for me to feel nervous, stressed, anxious, terrified at any given point in time. Here's where the next part comes in:

Spiritually: How sweet the Father's love for us. As this life changing discovery was made, I kept finding myself saying, "God, this was mean. Why would you do this." (Yes, I know. Not a typical reaction to the news of a tiny bundle of joy. I'm just being honest.) And over and over again as I searched the Scripture looking for comfort, and thought on the Gospel of Jesus I was reminded that His reply is always, "Because I love you so much more than you can comprehend. I am perfect and all I do is perfect. This life in you is my design for your good. I want you to trust me." (OK, not what it says in the Bible verbatim. I paraphrased.) Granted, I forget this hourly, but it is so sweet for me to turn in my anxious thoughts and think on how much LOVE I see in the death and resurrection of God's Son. If God has given me LIFE and everything that He has, how could I ever distrust His timing in giving us a baby? This breathes life into my weary soul.

All that to say, those three categories are smushed into one in my crazy life. Each feeds into the other, sometimes positively, bringing me constantly to the throne of Grace, sometimes negatively sending me into a spiral of self dependance, anxiety, self doubt, etc.

Ok, this post is long enough. Later, I will post a few tidbits I've learned about pregnancy thus far. It's been a crazy ride.

Thanks for reading! :)

Lauren and Baby D

My Mama

Happy Mother's Day! Here's just a few reasons I celebrate today:

1. My mama is super beautiful.

2. My mama is a sounding board for me. She listens to my aches, pains, joys, silly stories, and complaints. Laughs when I'm trying to be funny, puts me in my place when necessary, and is the only one who can heal my ailments with an "Oh, baby. I wish I was there to help you!"

3. My mama shares her life with me. She shares her hurts, struggles, joys and silly stories with me. She allows me to think through situations with her, pray for her, and laugh at her (when necessary) :)

4. My mama has always given and provided for my every need. I've never been in distress either financially or physically without my sweet mama dropping everything that's going on and her coming to my aid.

5. My mama has taught me what it means to care. Always. She's sacrificed herself not only for her children but for grandparents, great grandparents and whoever else was in need of a hug, a home, medical care. I will model my care of those in need after what she has done and modeled in my life time. There's a movie called "The Savages." It's an intense movie about kids who are caring for their sick father. Anyway... it's sad and full of neglect and obligation and as I watched it about a year ago... I thought to myself, "I will never be those kids, because my Mom has shown me what it means to care and sacrifice yourself so that someone else is loved and made much of."

6. My mama is probably the hardest working woman I know. She farms, she raises and breeds dogs, she's a dedicated wife, a medical transcriptionist, the best mom ever, housekeeper, and friend. I'm not sure where all the energy comes from and I'm sure she doesn't either some days. But she's pretty incredible.

7. My mama is hilarious. (Even if only to me.) And I'm pretty sure I'm hilarious only to her most of the time. We laugh together because I get her silly jokes and she gets mine (probably because I got them from her) and I wouldn't have it any other way. :)

8. My mama is loved by God and I see her growing in her love and affection for Him every time we talk. I'm so thankful to see this and pray that it continues to grow as she grows in her knowledge of who Jesus says she is-accepted and loved because she is His sweet creation, not by any merit of her own.

So here's to all the reasons I celebrate you today, Mama! You are so worth every joyful thought God gives me of you. I'm so thankful for you. Sad I couldn't be with you today, but I know that you know that I'm celebrating you from this couch with my ankle propped up on a pillow. You are dearly loved and greatly appreciated for all that you do and will continue to do for me.

Happy Mother's Day!