Daughter, Wife, Mother... this is what I do

Monday, January 6, 2014

To my sweet baby...

What I will say one day...

To my sweet baby. If God gives me the sweet gift of swaddling this baby boy up and holding him close. Here's the story I will tell him-

Your Daddy, your sister and I wanted you so much. We prayed and prayed for you. I cried tears for you. I felt such sorrow and deep pain over the loss of babies that were not you. I wouldn't change anything about how God designed you to come into our lives. Not the sorrow, the loss, the waves of bitterness, apathy, and deep faith. Because although I wanted those babies so much, God wanted me to meet you. Though there has been great pain in getting to finally hold you, the baby we have been aching for, there is great joy for your daddy, sister and I in knowing that our kind Father in Heaven had you in mind to answer all our prayers.

The best thing of all about God giving us so much time with you is that I have seen that in all my longing, in all my unmet desires of wanting a bigger family, wanting to be a mommy all over again, He is really what I'm longing for. So, while there is so much joy in the anticipation of knowing you, feeling you kick in my belly, watching you grow and learn and meet milestones, Jesus is what makes all of that so great. I know that you won't understand that for a long time. And I know from parenting your sister recently that I'll explain how great Jesus is to you thousands of times and feel like it's over your head, or that you just don't care (or often with a lack of conviction in my own heart.)But I'm praying, praying, praying that one day, God will grab hold of your heart and allow the fullness of the joy and sorrow of Jesus to grab you as He has grabbed me.

I love you so much,

Here is a picture of our Henry. 

[And to you, mamas in longing. Mamas without their babies,

I want you to know that in 3 miscarriages, and even in a so-far-healthy pregnancy I have learned a lot about how to be sensitive to those that are struggling. I know the unintentional hurt and stinging pain from joyous Facebook announcements of new babies and Instagramed growing bellies. There is no doubt that there is such joy for us in seeing this little life grow inside me. But I also want you to know that I am thinking of you. The moms who have lost babies. The moms whose wombs are empty, again. There are tears that come to my eyes when I think of your pain. I want to weep with you for your lost dreams and hoped for prayers. Know that you are thought of, even in the joy of this great gift from God. ]

Thanks, friends, for praying and rejoicing.