To my sweet baby...

What I will say one day...

To my sweet baby. If God gives me the sweet gift of swaddling this baby boy up and holding him close. Here's the story I will tell him-

Your Daddy, your sister and I wanted you so much. We prayed and prayed for you. I cried tears for you. I felt such sorrow and deep pain over the loss of babies that were not you. I wouldn't change anything about how God designed you to come into our lives. Not the sorrow, the loss, the waves of bitterness, apathy, and deep faith. Because although I wanted those babies so much, God wanted me to meet you. Though there has been great pain in getting to finally hold you, the baby we have been aching for, there is great joy for your daddy, sister and I in knowing that our kind Father in Heaven had you in mind to answer all our prayers.

The best thing of all about God giving us so much time with you is that I have seen that in all my longing, in all my unmet desires of wanting a bigger family, wanting to be a mommy all over again, He is really what I'm longing for. So, while there is so much joy in the anticipation of knowing you, feeling you kick in my belly, watching you grow and learn and meet milestones, Jesus is what makes all of that so great. I know that you won't understand that for a long time. And I know from parenting your sister recently that I'll explain how great Jesus is to you thousands of times and feel like it's over your head, or that you just don't care (or often with a lack of conviction in my own heart.)But I'm praying, praying, praying that one day, God will grab hold of your heart and allow the fullness of the joy and sorrow of Jesus to grab you as He has grabbed me.

I love you so much,
Mama

Here is a picture of our Henry. 

[And to you, mamas in longing. Mamas without their babies,

I want you to know that in 3 miscarriages, and even in a so-far-healthy pregnancy I have learned a lot about how to be sensitive to those that are struggling. I know the unintentional hurt and stinging pain from joyous Facebook announcements of new babies and Instagramed growing bellies. There is no doubt that there is such joy for us in seeing this little life grow inside me. But I also want you to know that I am thinking of you. The moms who have lost babies. The moms whose wombs are empty, again. There are tears that come to my eyes when I think of your pain. I want to weep with you for your lost dreams and hoped for prayers. Know that you are thought of, even in the joy of this great gift from God. ]

Thanks, friends, for praying and rejoicing.

A Lot Like Mary...

John 11:20 "So when Martha heard that Jesus was coming, she went and met him, but Mary remained seated in the house..."

Mary's brother, Lazarus, had just died. King Jesus rolled into town 2 days too late. Mary and Martha knew that Jesus had the power to heal the sick, they had heard story after story if not experienced it first hand. They loved Him, they trusted Him. They both thought, "If only Jesus had been here..." Martha ran out to meet Jesus. She had a few choice words for Him. But Mary? She stayed inside when her Savior, her Creator came walking up to the house.

I'm totally reading into the story here. God never says anything about Mary's heart in staying inside, so I can only imagine. But here's how the story could have gone. Especially if it were me. 

Mary was hurt. Hurt that Jesus didn't heal her brother. She felt betrayed by her dear friend. She was bitter. She was a little angry. She knew that He chose not to heal Lazarus. So she stayed inside. She was done asking Jesus for things. Because He hadn't given her what she really wanted, what she thought she really needed. So she stayed inside.

Then Jesus sends for her. And who of His sheep can resist it when He calls their name? Not one. She goes to Him. And she finds a Man that weeps with her. He shares the sorrow of the loss of her brother with her. Not just because He loved Lazarus, but because He loves her. Then she takes Him to her brother's tomb and Jesus does what He does best and redeems crappy, horrible situations for His glory and the good of those who love Him. 

I read this story this morning. It moves me because I am Mary. (Or at least who I perceive Mary to be in the story.) A few weeks ago, we lost our 3rd baby. It was really early in the pregnancy, so the individual loss was easier to handle. But the overarching theme of lost babies crumbled me. After our 1st miscarriage I kept thinking and praying, "I don't want this to be our story. I don't want lost babies to be what God uses in my life." 

After our latest miscarriage, I threw up my hands. I've had it. I'm done asking God for things. I don't doubt His power, His ability. But this. is. harsh. And I'm done. 

In the last few weeks, God's given just enough faith for me to toss up small, feeble prayers. 

"God, help my heart. I want to love you. I want to trust you. I want to know that you love me."

But I didn't know those things. I didn't believe those things. I saw Him not allowing us to meet those 3 babies as a harsh act done by a strict, mean Father. 

But in Mary's story, Jesus shows me that that's not the Father's parenting style at all. Jesus waited 2 days to come to them. He knew Lazarus was going to die and he waited. He knew there would be pain, heartache, bitterness, anger, struggle. He knew it. But He ALSO knew the ending. He knew He would raise Lazarus from the dead. He knew that in delaying, in not doing exactly what Mary had wanted Him to do, He was going to get to show them more of Himself. He would get to weep with Mary, to give her very tangible evidence of His tender compassion and fierce love. He know that in doing so, He was granting them greater joy than in just having their brother back. 

God knows our kids. He has known all of them since the dawn of creation. He knows their names, their personalities, the date they will born. Whether they are biologically mine or not. He isn't a strict Father reacting to my wicked heart. He is a kind, loving, patient, all-knowing Daddy who wants me to have the MOST joy as we grow our family by showing me that He is my treasure. 

So He called me out of the house to show me that He was weeping with me. He shares my sorrow. But He knows that there is much more joy ahead. So I can trust Him as He leads our family to more joy, to deeper faith, to a clearer view of who He is. 

I'm sure I will run back into the house a time or two. Or seventeen. But I can be certain that if I am His, He will always come get me. 

A few of my favorite...

Elle has been talking up a storm recently. Sometimes saying 2 or 3 word sentences or phrases. This blows my mind. I can't believe my itty bitty is now a little girl! 2 years (ok, 21 months...) has come and gone in the blink of an eye. I spend so much time trying to teach my sweet girl how to become more independent, how to do more, how to say more, how to grow up.

And I just want to pause for a moment. Like I do sometimes in our day and kiss her curly head and try to commit moments or scenes to memory.

Here are a few things I don't want to forget that she says when one day the lisp is gone and all the verbs and nouns are in their right place.


"Da-du, wecome mama." [Translated "Thank you, welcome, mama!"] This started after I tried to teach her to say "You're welcome" after someone says "thank you."

"He thaaaad. He chyin'" [Translated "He sad. He crying."] And actually she doesn't say "chyin' " anymore. :( Makes mama "thaaad."

"Whedigo? I on't thee it!" [Translated "Where'd it go? I don't see it!"]

"Hairpane!" [Translated "Airplane!"]

"FIIIIING!" [Translated "SWIIING!"] Because we are always SUPER excited to swing. :)

"Efant" [Translated "Elephant"]

"Fu-fax" [Translated "Fruit Snacks"] Because some days when getting dressed is a battle, I can distract her with some of those gummy, sugar-packed morsels and all is right with the world for a minute or two. :)

"Chap-chip" [Translated "Chapstick"] Her snack of choice. :/

"Cha MILK!" [Translated "Chocolate Milk!"] Her intonation goes up on the "milk" part. :) Cutie.

"oh-milK" [Translated "Oatmeal"] I totally perpetuate this. I love that she calls it "oatmilk." I hope that never changes.

Just the best, I tell you. :)


[Post Script- This was written 2 months ago. I never posted it. She's now singing whole songs and having whole conversations. But that's for another post. :)]

Our great hope.

I'm writing this post because I need to. Because I want to. Because I want to talk about what I often would rather not say because it's painful for me and awkward for you. Because I know that my story is the story of many, many other women. And I know that we are entrusted with suffering to offer comfort to others.

*As an aside here- in the midst of this suffering for us, I was comforted and prayed for and loved by a sweet friend who has lost much, but who I've seen remain faithful and filled with hope. What a joy to be able to continue her family's legacy. You can read her story here.

But God is writing this story for us, so I want to physically write it as a way of documentation and declaration. 

He is what is great. He is our treasure. And that's what He's been teaching our family through loss.

In the past 6 months, we've lost 2 sweet babies. Life doesn't stop and as time goes on, a baby that was once so real and a part of our family seems only a distant fleeting thought. But writing that sentence, "...we've lost 2 sweet babies" brings the reality back like a flood. Those were our babies that God entrusted to us, if only for a short time, for our good and His glory. So I want to press into that and tell you the story.

Our first positive pregnancy test (late July) was quite a shock. It was only a few weeks earlier that we decided we were ready to add another little David to our family. But we were excited, regardless of the timing and started dreaming of what Elle would be like as a big sister and how our lives would change. But only two days after we had begun celebrating, we found out that God had another plan and that we would not get to meet that sweet baby. We had our first miscarriage. It was hard. But it was deemed a  "chemical pregnancy." We did, in fact, conceive, but the baby never had time to attach to the uterine wall. It made it seem so anatomical and that helped in dealing with the loss. 

After talking to nurses and being reassured that miscarriage was normal, there was no reason for them to think that there was anything wrong with my body and in all likelihood, our next pregnancy would be healthy, I was ready. I was confident. I knew that next time would be different.

Our second positive pregnancy test was at the end of October. I had been feeling a little weird and decided I would take a test, just to be sure. Mostly because I had been drinking caffeine like there was no tomorrow and I knew that I wanted to tone it down a bit if God were to let us get pregnant again :) 

The test was positive and I cut myself down to one cup a day. (Instead of 3! Yikes!) We were excited! I  had regular bloodwork done, since my progesterone levels are always low. I had 2 sonograms (our dr. just wanted to check in often, since my levels are weird) and we even got to see an itty bitty heartbeat. Oh, how sweet that was. 

As I walked into the lab after that positive pregnancy test, I told God, "I will be so so sad if you take this sweet baby from us. Please, please don't." Immediately after I prayed that, I was reminded that Jesus suffered. That He talked to His Father just like I was doing and said, "Please, please don't" when He was facing death on a cross. But, He also trusted that His Father's plans were best. That there was more joy for Him in walking to death on a cross than what seemed more comfortable in that moment. I also remembered the promise that He would be with me. How sweet a promise it is to know that your Savior and King, who suffered unimaginably more than the loss of a baby, was going to walk with me no matter what the circumstance. There was such hope and comfort in that and it was such a grace to me to have that truth solidified in my heart in the weeks that followed.

The whole month that I was pregnant, I kept WANTING to feel tired. Trust me, I totally wanted to be able to justify taking a nap every day. But I never felt THAT tired. I never felt THAT awful. And in the back of my mind I kept wondering if everything was ok. I knew the reality. I knew that we were not promised a healthy baby at the end of 9 months. But still, I was excited and hopeful that we would get to meet and hold our sweet baby at the end of it all. Because according to the statistics, this was supposed to be the normal pregnancy, right? 1/3 end in miscarriage. I already had the one! So this should be the other side. Statistics failed me.

We went to our 8 week ObGYN exam. We were really excited. We even brought Elle so she could see her baby brother or sister! (In hindsight- WHAT were we thinking? It was a horrible decision. Lesson learned.) And then our sweet doctor began to explain that he was not seeing a heartbeat. That the baby was measuring only 6 1/2 weeks instead of the 8 that it should be measuring. My heart was pounding. He started explaining things like chromosomal mismatches and duplication and drawing charts that I couldn't see through the tears. He was so sweet and so kind but left us to mourn the loss of a baby we never got to meet. I cried a lot.  And then Tyler and I went home and just sat on the couch and looked at each other. Neither of us knew what to say or do. A good friend reminded us that that's the proof that we weren't created to experience grief like that. Because in those moments, no one knows just what to do. We felt the pain of death and sin that we were never created to feel. And the awkwardness that comes with that. 

We talked about how this would probably not be the last time we cried tears like this together. This loss had sobered us and reminded us that suffering is guaranteed in a world that is broken. Unless Jesus comes back soon and makes everything right, our lives will continue to be riddled with moments like this. And oh, how it made us long for our mighty King to return in victory. To fix what is broken in our world. To banish death for forever. To show us the purpose He had for us in losing another sweet baby. 

So, we learned that day (even more profoundly than from our first miscarriage) that Jesus is our hope. Not statistics. Not a healthy baby. Not an easy life. Not a huge family with wonderful children. We learned and are learning still the truth that Jesus carries us, sustains us, gives gifts of joy and allows suffering that we might know more of His heart, to show us that He is enough. Even in the pain. Even on the nights when I think about what that baby would have been like and get sad and miss what I had only for a short time. Even when I'm reminded that I'm missing out when I see the bulging bellies and Facebook posts of pregnant friends, that I won't ever feel that baby kick. Even when I look at my sweet daughter and think about what a great big sister she would have been to that little one. He is enough. Although I won't ever know that baby in this life, I am still accepted as His daughter. I will still get to spend an eternity with my King singing about how great He is. Even though I struggle with discontentment, with jealousy, with materialism, with laziness, because of the price Jesus paid- I get to know Him. And there is so much joy to be had in Him.

There are many gifts that God gave us through the loss of our little 8-week-old, itty-bitty, jelly-bean baby. Tyler will say that God granted him sobriety and diligence and enabled him to work hard because he was shown that life was short and uncertain and Jesus is all that is promised to us.

 We've grown as companions in all of this. Our bond has been strengthened and sweetened. I am so, so thankful for a husband like him. What a sweet, undeserved gift he is to me. 

After a loss like that, I will say that I know what it is to hope in Jesus more than ever before. Not hoping that Jesus would give me this or that thing, but that I have hope that this is not the end. That because Jesus has conquered death, the death of my sweet child is not the end of his story. Not the end of my life. And I can hope that at the end of my life here He will allow my heart to say- You were the best thing I knew in my life on earth. Oh goodness, how I feel the pull to want anything other than Him on a daily basis. I think I'm seeing (through miscarriage) that children are a glaring idol in my life and there is a temptation (and more often than not it is fleshed out) to find ALL of my joy in them. But, my hope is that by His good grace, He will equip me to fight that sin and that I would only ever view Him as the source of my joy and that any other sweet gift He gives me would enable me to enjoy Him even more because of His goodness and kindness to me.

On the flip side of that, I have learned what a sweet, miraculous gift my daughter is. We have been given 20 wonderful months, each day sweeter than the last, with Elle, but we are not promised a second more. Every moment, every "first" is a gift and I want to love Jesus more for granting us with a gift that we are nowhere close to being worthy of. 

Going forward, we are nervous. We are nervous to get pregnant again. In fact, my initial thought during  the height of all that pain was, "Nope. Not doing that again. We'll just adopt." Funny how this was the same sentiment I had during labor. It's evidence of my tendency to just eject during painful circumstances. To refuse to trust God for the joy set before me because of Jesus. In response to this, faith for us means continuing to try to have babies. We want to adopt one day, and I really believe that we will. But we don't want to do that out of fear and out of a mistrust of a God who even through pain has been nothing but kind and good to us. So we will walk forward, lean on the Holy Spirit to help us trust Him when it's hard and fight to hope in Jesus for all of our joy and our contentment no matter if I ever get to carry a baby again or not.

That's our story. That's my heart. That's my hope. 

7. Whoopsies.

[Sheepish grin...] Oops. Not sure where all the days went, but I certainly haven't been writing.

Well, I'll just list off my excuses and then pick back up where I left off. Ready?

Baby teething.
Stomach virus.
Reading a really good book.
Consistently falling asleep on the couch around 9:30 or 10. Drives my husband bananas.

Ok. That's it. I'm back. And I have a list of things to write about. Goodie!

First things first- I've been wanting to blog this recipe for some time. It is one of my favorite go-to's. It's delicious, clean and packed with lots of good things. And it has lots of gooey, creamy goat cheese. It's dreamy. It's my favorite recipe to take to friends with new babes and I frequently double it so that we'll have plenty for lunches throughout the week. And I'm typically not great at eating leftovers. It grosses me out to have the same thing for dinner, lunch and then next lunch. BUT I could eat this for lots of meals without getting sick of it. AND my 13 month old kiddo adores it. What more could you ask for in a dish?

Roasted Veggie and Goat Cheese Pasta

INGREDIENTS:

2 cups Quinoa Pasta (regular pasta will do.)

Olive Oil cooking spray

1 red bell pepper, sliced into wedges

1 green bell pepper, sliced into wedges

1 red onion, thickly sliced into semi-circles

1 zucchini, halved lengthwise and sliced

1 cup whole cherry tomatoes, halved

5 oz (or more if you adore it as much as I do) soft goat cheese, crumbled

VINAIGRETTE

1 clove garlic, coarsely chopped

1/4 tsp each sea salt and fresh ground black pepper

2 tbsp EVOO

1/2 cup roughly chopped fresh chives

1/2 cup roughly chopped fresh parsley

1/2 packed cup whole fresh basil leaves

1/2 cup white wine vinegar *

*The original recipe calls for verjus. But I found it to be pretty expensive and difficult to find. White wine vinegar or lemon juice is a cheap and tasty alternative. 

INSTRUCTIONS:

1. Preheat oven to 400 degrees F while you cook your pasta.

2.In a single layer spread chopped and sliced veggies onto a cookie sheet sprayed with Olive Oil. 

3. Roast for 10-15 minutes. I like for there to be some caramelization without them being too soft. But adjust cooking time for desired crunch :)

4. While your veggies are roasting, prepare vinaigrette: In a blender or food processor, blend all vinaigrette ingredients into a smooth liquid.

4. Add pasta and vinaigrette to bowl with veggies and toss well to coat evenly.

5. Mix in all that goat cheese-y goodness. 

We often make this an entire meal by adding chicken or turkey sausage or grilled chicken into the mix. Mostly this makes my manly, protein-loving husband happy :) 

See? Everyone adores it. :)

I hope you make this pasta and then forgive me of my failure as a writer... Because my recipe sharing obviously makes up for it! 

Happy Wednesday!

6. The Castle I Love to Hate...

With parks getting to be fun and exciting for my 13 month old, I'm L O V I N G living 4 minutes walking distance from our fabulous neighborhood park. I've learned that playing hard in the morning is crucial to a good nap for Elle. So we've been trying our best to get out to the park around 10 lots of a mornings and make it home by 11:30 for a little snooze.

One of the best things about our park (aside from the location and the shadiness of it) is this huge, magical castle. If I was 4 years old, you better believe I would be playing princess and having tea parties at the very top of that mighty, green castle. 

However.

As the mama of a newly toddling little one. This castle is my worst enemy. It was NOT made for adults. But what do you do with a adventurous walker who MUST climb all the way up the tiny, windy steps? 

You climb with her. Herein lies my hatred. 30 or so doubled-over, sweaty, squeezing-past-big-kids, steps and I'm donezo. 

Well after about 7 times of this circus while at the park yesterday, I moved Elle to a different section of the park to play, hopefully buying me 10 or 15 minutes of upright breeziness. Inevitably, though, she found her way back to the castle she so dearly loves. I didn't follow her immediately, but could see her the whole time. And as I was enjoying conversation with a dear friend, I saw her start to climb the dreaded steps. But, I figured, I would go chase her down once she was half way up so that she could make it safely down. Well, only 3 steps up the stairs, she fell. A mama's worst nightmare. So I ran as fast as my Mizunos would take me and swooped under the kiddie sized doorway to rescue her. 

She was scared and probably hurt a little, but other than that there were no bumps, bruises or scrapes and she perked right back up after 30 seconds of crying. She was fine.

I, however, in my concern for my child, totally forgot about the kiddie-sized doorway I just swooped under to get in and on my way out slammed my head against the castle and got a huge egg on my head and my ego. :/

That was yesterday. And while that goose egg still smarts, my kiddo may have learned that going up those stairs is not as fun as she thought yesterday, because she sat quietly on the first step today. Never going up, though I would have gone up there with her, begrudgingly, if she had insisted. Maybe she'll remember that tumble for a few more months, until she figures out stair climbing safety. :)

 

5. Past grace and future reminders...

This post will be simply to serve as a reminder when (God willing) I have another little bit and am struggling with anxiety and a battle of the wills over naps.

Naps have been the bane of my mama existence for a long time. Elle has always napped. But not well. After about 5 months, she decided she was DONEZO with sleeping for longer than 30-45 minutes at a time. Along with that, I felt (feel) like her sleep needs constantly shift and I never have any idea what I'm doing. What works one week won't work the next and I'm a frustrated puddle on the floor.

Currently, Elle is taking only 1 nap. I'm still not certain that she was completely ready to give it up, but she was fighting me tooth and nail on the morning nap and it was more of a source of stress for both of us than it was beneficial. Forty-five minutes of crying (or rocking if I had nothing to do) for 20 minutes of sleep was not enough of a pay off to make the morning from hell worth it. She was honestly pretty OK without it. She stopped dozing off after her 11 am feeding, so I knew that she had adjusted.

BUT at this point, during her one and only nap during the day she was ONLY napping in the afternoon for 40 minutes. I could pretty much time it. So I had JUST enough time to slap together a sandwich and eat it and maybe clean up the breakfast dishes.

I had no idea what to do to lengthen this afternoon nap. I left her in her crib until it had been at least an hour so. Because I needed to try to help her understand that I wasn't going to come get her at the first sound of her waking if she hadn't taken a solid nap. [Turns out, that did NOT work for my kid. I'm not sure if it has something to do with the fact that I held/rocked/nursed her to sleep for so long so she was aware that there were other, more snuggly options out there and was upset  about it. Or that she just is not a good self soother... either way. It was ineffective for us.] And she's not a happy, play-in-my-crib-until-someone-comes-to-get-me waker. She's pissed. She wants some TLC stat when she wakes up. [I'm not complaining a bit. It is one of the single best parts of my day. But it does make the whole sleep issue a bit trickier.]

Then, one day I stumbled upon some site that promises to solve all your children's sleep problems and make you happy forever on the ever reliable internet. I read there that putting your little down too late or too early could cause the early waking in your kiddo. Automatically ruling out the need for a LATER nap (because she had just moved to 1 nap, I knew she couldn't handle a longer wake time) I tried putting her down at 12 instead of 1. And that did it! She slept for 1 1/2 hours that first earlier nap time. The next day, however, she did not. But I soon became certain of a molar busting through (which has to be so painful! Yeesh!) that I could blame for her early waking.

We're still taking one nap. Napping more consistently for 1 1/2 hours (praise Jesus!) and still trying to figure things out. (Lately, she's been wanting to nap at 11:30 , which just makes that stretch before bed a little tricky. )

Moral of the story- it is a puzzle. But we are figuring things out. That's the story of being a parent, right?

2nd moral of the story-  (but, unarguably the most important moral) every time my child naps for a significant amount of time is a gift from God. A gift of rest and rejuvenation. A gift of productivity. A gift of peace.

Even BIGGER than that, I've learned, is that even the non-nap, up all night "partying" days - weeks even-  is a gift. A gift from a God who loves me and does every single thing for my good and His glory.

It's not a gift that is immediately fun and restorative. Nope, He has never promised me that. But He has promised me Himself, and all the gifts He gives me serve to point to how wonderful He is.

Ultimately,  HE is the source of any joy, peace, restoration, (insert your own fancy feeling noun) anyway.

4. Kisses and Crying

Today (well, yesterday... I'm a bit behind...) my little lady learned to kiss. At some point I'll cringe at the thought of her knowing how to kiss. But today, it melts my heart. I tried to get a picture or video, but the girl is quick. And she never ever performs on command. Figures...

So I'll do my best to describe it to you. If I catch her at a particularly cuddly moment (which isn't tough, my kid is one of the best cuddlers ever...) and say, "Can mama have a kiss?" She'll lean her little closed mouth towards mine and say "Mmmmmaa" Sometimes she'll make the smacking noise afterwards.

Melts my heart to even recount it. I'll do my best to get some sort of visual evidence of the kissing queen and put it in this post so that my story doesn't just fall flat. :)

Speaking of sentimentality and kids... I had a conversation with a group of moms about crying the other day. Not our kids' crying. Mama crying. The happy kind of cry. The kind that happens when your kiddo takes her first steps or moves to a big girl bed or all of a sudden turns into a teenager.  I am totally a crying mom. I well up when people tell me how sweet my little girl is. (This happened to me a few weeks ago. I'm sure I did not hide it well.)  I cry at commercials featuring chubby, precious babies and new mamas. (not recently, so I guess I have hormones partly to blame here...) I cry when I see someone else crying over the astonishing rate with which their child is growing up.

It embarrasses me slightly. But mostly, I love it. Emotion is a beautiful and God given thing. But it can be tricky. God has taught me (through His Word and my experience) over and over again that my heart is deceitful. So, while I will cherish the emotion I experience because of my kids, I won't let it run me.

For example, it can be tricky to gush out love and emotion for my husband that equals my emotion and affection for Elle. It is my calling as his wife to be more loyal to and more in love with him than I am with my kids. I believe that it is the absolute best thing I can do for them. To show them an accurate, though flawed, picture of what the relationship of Jesus and His Bride, the Church should look like.

I must fight to love my husband above my kids like I must fight to love Jesus above all else.

3. Rainy Day

Who doesn't love a good rainy day? There's not much better than the occasional wet, grey, stay-in-your-comfy-pants-all-day day. Right? 

Today was that day for Elle and I. I realize that getting to do this with my daughter is such a gift. I think that's what made today so sweet. 

I can all too vividly remember the grey, rainy mornings where I fought to get out of bed and get going. There were kids to teach, by golly! I couldn't just put in a movie and lounge with them on rainy days. Nothing slowed down on rainy days in 3rd grade. In fact, rainy days were MORE stressful because that meant indoor recess. And antsy children. And mud on my floor. And cancelled outdoor science experiments. Yeesh!

[What's funny, is that even as I recount what I loathed about rainy days as a teacher, there's a part of my heart that longs for that again. How does that saying go? You can take the girl out of the classroom, but you can't take the classroom out of the girl...? :/ Whatever... you get it, right?]

But today. I got to stop and soak up time with my little girl. We watched cartoons in our comfy pants. She fell asleep cuddling with me as the rain poured outside. Then I just let her take her nap on the couch. I turned all the lights off and sat and read a book, because any sort of door slamming or kitchen cleaning and I'd be one sorry mama. 

We pulled all the cushions off the couches and ran and climbed and wrestled. We stood at the door and watched the rain. 

I soaked her up. We rarely have days where I have nothing on the agenda. I do my best to utilize the time that I've been gifted with well. We have play dates and meetings and errands and make it home for nap time (usually). But today. I just enjoyed the rain with my little girl. I enjoyed the sweet gift of time with her that I've been given. Because I'm not promised to have this time with her forever. 

2. Becoming Family

The sweetest part of my day was dinner. Tonight we celebrated with some very dear friends before they embark on a new journey out west. We shared dinner, drinks and dessert as we ooh-ed over sweet new babies and laughed until our bellies ached at the all-of-a-sudden-not-babies-anymore toddlers and kids.

We used to meet with these families weekly in a discipleship group. It was because of this group I learned to look at the local church and the people in my community as family. Not individual events and meetings that occupied my time and kept me from sleep that I felt like I desperately needed, but family that I spent an evening with. I would never in a million years think of coming home to my husband and daughter as an event that replaced something else I should be doing. But often, that's how I viewed things like discipleship groups and missional communities. Events. Keeping me from doing whatever else needed to be done. (And if I'm brutally honest with you, usually what needed to be "done" was my lounging on the couch with a book or a good TV show. Yikes.) But as we shared Papa Murphy's pizza after Papa Murphy's pizza together, (seriously. we ate a lot of pizza. It was easy and delicious. But it's a wonder we don't all weigh much, much more.) sat around drinking decaf coffee and discussing scripture and theology, God began to shift my paradigm of what was going on. This was not an event. It was a really good meal and great discussion with family.

And like any family, we've grown [Fun fact: our group, which started with 1 kid total, now numbers 10 kids total. We've got that whole "be fruitful and multiply" thing down.] and changed and are beginning to move on. And that's healthy and beautiful. And bittersweet, for sure. I probably won't get to meet the Williams' new little girl, due in November, for some time. We won't get to watch wildman, Caleb, become a little boy. (He is maybe one of the most entertaining children I've ever been around. Second only to Hudson. Who, lucky for us, still lives in Austin less than half a mile away.) But it is a joy to look back on all our family dinners with deep love and look forward to enjoying eternity praising the God who united us as family together.

And. My kid fell asleep at someone else's house. So Tyler and I soaked it up and partied until 11:30. And got into a very mind boggling discussion on Quantum Physics. Well, I did not. Tyler and Todd did and Olivia piped in every now and then. I listened, only half attempting to wrap my mind around what was being said. I'm worthless after 10:30. and maybe worthless when it comes to chemistry and physics all together.

And just for fun:

I signed up to bring a dessert for tonight. Because we're eating clean again. (Minus Mother's Day, of course) I wanted to bring something we could all enjoy, guilt free and it's literally the easiest, tastiest dessert in the history of all desserts.

Ready? Here it goes

1. Slice a banana in to 1/2 inch chunks.

2. Place a 1/2 a dollop of natural peanut butter (or any kind of nut butter, I suppose) on banana chunks.

3. Melt dark chocolate chips. (The key here is to NOT burn the chocolate. I start with 1 minute in the microwave at 50% power and then stir, then do 15 second intervals always stirring in between until it's smooth.)

4. Pour your dark chocolate (Really, it can be any sort of chocolate your little heart desires.) over your peanut butter dolloped bananas. 

5. Stick in the freezer until they're cold and frozen. Or just eat them on the spot.

Another delicious and awesome variation on this is to stick all these ingredients (bananas must already be frozen) into the food processor to make ice cream. 

It. Is. Awesome. It's not really ice cream, but it is genuinely a tasty replacement. WAYYY better than that low sugar, low carb business. 

Easy. Not horrible for you. Delicious. Done. You're welcome.

Happy Writing Day #2!

1. Child Dedication

Tonight at church, a sweet family that I don't know stood before their church family and asked that we would commit to praying for their sweet son, Tyler. (not my Tyler, obviously.) They asked that we would pray for them, that God would guide them, provide wisdom, encouragement and correction as they seek to raise their son to love and trust our King and Savior, Jesus.

I. lost. it.

Did I mention I don't know this family at all? I have never even seen them before this evening. But it was such a beautiful picture and reminder of the importance of community in raising my kid.

I NEED people around me that are praying for me. Praying for Tyler. Praying for Elle. Correcting me when I'm harsh or lazy. Encouraging me with the truth that Jesus uses my failures as a mom for my daughter's good. Reminding me that if I do anything right and good for her soul, it is because God is using me and ultimately because He loves her more than I could ever dream! (Which is quite mind boggling, because I cannot imagine anyone loving anything more than I love her.)

And at the end of it all, God willing, if her soul is well with her Creator, there will be a group of people going cuh-razy with joy because they fought alongside me for her to know Him and love Him above all else.  And THAT is what makes my knees go weak with joy and my heart pound with hope. I am not in this alone. I am speechlessly thankful for a community of men and women (and all their crazy kids) that love Jesus, want Him more than anything, and want me and my family to want Him more than anything and everything as well.

Praising Jesus tonight for His beautiful, beautiful Bride. What a gift to get to raise another life, with all it's failures and victories, heartaches and joys, trials and gifts, together with the Body of Christ.

30 Days...

...of writing.

I'm a horrible blogger. I have great intentions. I want to document everything. I plan to document everything. But I am what some might call a "procrastinator." I put overwhelming things (like sharing my thoughts with the world) off until it's completely passed and I've forgotten what it was that I wanted to write down.

Well. I started reassessing my goal as a blogger. I decided that I wanted this to be a place to document the extraordinary in my everyday. I want to look back as the years go by and be able to clearly recount the sweet, colorful moments in a life that is slightly blurry because it has gone by at lightning speed.

To make this pie-in-the-sky vision a reality, I'm going to have to step up my writing game. I really do love writing. It's not burdensome for me. It's the discipline of sitting down (after I've put the munchkin to bed) and NOT turning on the TV and getting the pen to the paper, er, my fingers to the keyboard, that I struggle with.

We all know how resolutions go. I have a graveyard of resolutions filed away. Run 10 miles a week! Drink 64 ounces of water a day! Read the Bible in a year! Never eat cake again!

That's why I'm going to commit to writing every evening for a month. I'm going to be realistic and face the music, though. There will likely be weeks I don't write 7 days. That's ok. I just want to make sure my goal in having this blog is worked towards.

So, let the writing begin!

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday to my sweet little love bug.

One year ago this was happening.

Now I'm chasing Ellerbe Anne around and playing like there's no tomorrow. What a fabulous little miracle she is.

Before having her in my life I was of the mentality that kids were awesome. Incredible in fact. But it stemmed from the thought that it would be a great thing to do. To work and strive to do my best to depend on Jesus and raise a little girl that loved Him and desired Him above all else.

Well, that is definitely part of why my little love is so wonderful. BUT. It's so much more. She's not just a task given to me to complete. But a gift given in love to enjoy.

Ellerbe Anne, you are so wonderful because you are just a really good, sweet gift given to me by a kind, good, caring Father in heaven. With that in mind, I will do all that I can to teach you how good God is and how worth it it is to center all of your life around Him.

We had one killer party for her 1st birthday party. It was simple and so much fun. (Let's be honest, the party was really for the adults.) Here are a few snapshots of our fun filled day.

 Daddy and the big 1 year old.

 Saying hello to her sweet friends, Brooks. 

It was a pretty happening party.

That's a lot of babies.

Leah, Caroline, Katie and little Caroline made it out. Love these ladies!

Her birthday mobile. Girl rides in style.

Presents. Hudson was SUPER excited about all of them.

Gigi McBride came out to celebrate too! She was my sweet sweet coworker at Parmer Lane Elementary whom I love dearly :)

Liv and the little ladies. I think Elle was a bit overwhelmed.

GG, Daisy, Hudson and Elle. Love that they were partying on the blanket together.

Pretty cakes and cupcakes from Belly's Bakeshop. (If you're in the DFW area, check her out. Lucky for us, Aunt Kailey drove them down. Thanks Aunt K!)

Smash Cake!

She cried when everyone cheered after she busted into her cake. 

Daddy had to show her how it's done.

Emmy was sneaking cupcakes. She's crafty with her sweets.

Happy Birthday, sweet little one. Thank you for being such a tangible picture of God's intense love for His children and for poignantly illustrating the infinite sacrifice of giving His Son. You are a beautiful gift.

A Handy Dandy Go-To

I've been so crafty and creative lately. (Creativity is relative, my friends.) I've even busted out the sewing machine. AND USED IT! Successfully, I might add.

Usually I just get stuck threading the bobbin. After taking 30 minutes to figure out why no fabric is being sewed together. i know. i know. I claim nothing more than amateur sew-er.

Well, with the help of a few thorough, all-be-it cheesy YouTube tutorials on how to thread the bobbin, what a straight stitch is, and other embarassingly basic things, etc. I made a few VERY cute onesies! Complete with ruffles on the butt! I can only show you one, because I have yet to give away the others and I don't want to ruin it. :)

All that to say, I spent 3 days drowning in crafts when I wasn't corralling the sweetest little walker in all the land and I completely abandoned all housekeeping. Sorry, dear husband of mine. Dinners included leftovers and sandwiches. And one really great salad. Which is the reason for this post. It's such a delicious and easy salad that I have to share.

I don't have any pictures. Because Tyler and I literally ate every little bit of it. And I was ravenous after all my crafting and didn't have the presence of mind to think about this post before the frenzy. You'll just have to trust my words that it's delicious.

Tastiest Asian Chicken Salad

Ingredients:

-Boneless, Skinless Chicken Breast (about 1 per person) Grilled and sliced thin

-Your choice of lettuce. (My favorite is Spring Mix, but all we had last night was Romaine, which was also crispy and delicious.)

-Grated Carrots

-Red Bell Pepper cut into thin strips

-Cucumber sliced thin

-Snow Peas (We didn't have any last night, and it was still fabulous)

-Totilla Strips or crumbled Tortilla Chips

Other great additions:

-Peanuts

-Avocado

-Zucchini

-Cilantro

-Sprouts

You get the idea. Just take any veggies you've got in the fridge and throw them in there.

Dressings- BOTH are crucial to the tastiness of this dish

Honey Lime Dressing:

1/2 cup lime juice
4 tsp honey mustard
1/3 cup + 1 Tbs honey
4 Tbs vegetable oil
2 garlic cloves, minced fine
1 tsp pepper
1/2 tsp salt

Peanut Sauce:
4 Tbs peanut butter
4 Tbs soy sauce
4 Tbs hot water
4 Tbs honey
1 Tb ground ginger

Directions:

1. Toss veggies of choice and thinly sliced grilled chicken together.

2. Mix dressing in separate jars. or large measuring cups. whatever works.

3. Serve yourself a generous and mostly healthy portion.

4. Enjoy.

Easy. You're welcome.

And because everyone loves a good baby update :)

Elle is most definitely walking. I thought, for some reason, it would take much longer for her to figure out that she could actually GET places on her feet than it did. A couple of days ago, I found her toddling across the living room. And she hasn't stopped. She's OFFICIALLY official. Sheesh. Where's my little teeny tiny baby girl? I'm not going to be one of those sappy, "I MISS MY NEWBORN" moms. But, there is a twinge of sadness in watching her grow into a little girl. I can't say that I MISS my teeny tiny because I am so much in love with my on-the-brink-of-toddlerhood lady. But I'd be lying if I didn't say that I never thought fondly of my tiny, cuddly, swaddled, coo-ing baby girl and got a little sad because that's gone forever for her.

The little walker with a freshly busted lip. Looking especially pathetic and sweet. She got lots of cuddles after this mishap.

I'm going to go look at all the pictures of Elle before she was 6 months and cry now. Kidding.

Introducing...

Elle's new skill! About 2 weeks ago, Elle (drum roll please...) took her first steps!! Crazy, right?

She's been pulling up and cruising around since 7 months or so, but I didn't think she'd take off this soon. Wait. Let me be clear. She definitely has not taken off by any stretch of the word. It's really more like a lunge and her sweet little chubby feet pitter patter behind.

Literally the day before it happened, she started standing unaided for about 20 seconds at a time and I thought, "It looks like she's just going to take off any day now!"I didn't really believe that she would, it just looked like she was stable enough to do it.

Fast forward to the next day after all the standing. I was putting laundry away, and Elle was standing beside my dresser undoing all my nice folding out of the bottom drawer that I was putting things into. (This is my life, people.) I squatted down to play with her to distract her (and because she's way more fun than putting away laundry...) and she took a step towards me! I thought that I surely imagined it. Later that evening, interested to see if she would do it again, I held my arms out, she got REAL excited and then took 3 big girl steps towards me! It was WONDERFUL!

I definitely teared up and screamed so loud that I think I scared her from doing it again for a while. (I think we're past that now.) I caught a slight glimpse of what it's like to watch your child really excel at something. I was (am) SO proud of her! Up until that moment, it's been little milestones. These are FOR SURE exciting and rewarding, but watching her figure out something like walking made me sympathize a little bit more with crazy parents who push their kids to ridiculous limits at things like piano, basketball and UIL Calculator. (The latter, of which, I took part in and won a few ribbons for. My parents were not crazy people. I genuinely liked it. You can laugh.) It's wonderful to watch your child succeed. WONDERFUL! I'm thankful that Jesus is giving me and will continue to give me perspective on my role in helping her develop her gifts so that her worldly success is neither my identity nor my goal, but I get it.

Crazy, screaming volleyball mom, I get you.

It's not right, but I get you.

And just to prove to you that my 9 1/2 month old took steps, here's a video some friends took while babysitting for us so we could have a night out. (Thanks again, Justin and Tara!) And, Justin really loves Elle, despite his negative reinforcement. :)

happy walking little walker!

Recounting a Year Full of Firsts...

How is it already 2012? Something mysterious and twilight-zoney must happen after you have a child. Time seems to move 10 times faster than it did before. Can I get an "amen" mamas?

Because it's a brand new year, and because it's fun to look back fondly on the year that has just past, I wanted to take some time to reflect on 2011. Tyler and I did this together and it was great. It will be great for me to have it documented here.

[It's long. Please don't feel obligated to recount the details of my year with me. :) ]

2011 in review:

January : I started the year off very pregnant. See below.

I returned back to my 3rd grade classroom after a much needed winter break for the last time for a while.

February : We celebrated our 3rd Valentine's Day together. I tried to make a romantic dinner for us to eat in our little Town Lake Apartment. I bought Filets, but neither of us were sure how to grill a steak. They didn't turn out well.

Katie and I sent out the girls we had been discipling for close to 2 years to lead their own groups. We were all a little sad, but we knew it was right. And it has been SO incredible to watch as God grows them into women of faith and love. So many cool things happening with them. 1 off to DC , 1 leading her own missional community in the Music Building and seeing God move and change people's hearts, 1 off to work in Houston, 1 still looking and waiting :) but all of them are growing in obedience to Scripture and love for God. So cool to be a part of.

March: With my due date fast approaching, I treasured every little "last" as my life before parenthood. Here's what I did on my Spring Break with Elle safely tucked inside my belly. While my life most certainly does not look like that now, it's not quite the calamity I imagined it would be at that point.

April: At the beginning of this month we had our first fake-out hospital visit. That was fun. (Or very not fun and exhausting for me the next day at school.)

I said "goodbye" to my sweet sweet 3rd graders and fellow teachers. Oh, how I miss them.

At the end of the month we welcomed this little booger home.

What a beauty.

We also learned our limit for exhaustion. We struggled to communicate. I struggled (read, still struggle) with control over our daughter. I wanted things done my way and had a tough time making way for Tyler to learn to be a daddy. God has brought me a long way... (blogpost on that to come soon...)

May: We lived life in a newborn induced fog. I was always tired. I honestly don't remember much about this month.

I do remember how anxious I got when it came time for bed. Nights with Elle were hard at that point.

Now that I think about it, I remember Tyler preaching at our church (The Austin Stone Community Church) for the very first time. It was a very big deal and such a huge and weighty task. He did fabulous. He preached on how God calls us into a family. Hear it here. (It's the first one. Titled: Missional Community: Living as Jesus' Family.)

June: We packed up all our belongings in boxes and sat in the living room and sipped coffee while movers hoisted everything onto their big ole truck and drove it all to Maple Hollow Trail in North Austin.

[side bar: Movers are THE WAY to go. Especially in the summer. Especially with a new born. Worth every penny, I say.]

July: We went on our very first "vacation" as a family of 3. Vacation is in quotations because it's not quite "vacation" with a 3 month old. I learned very quickly that Elle could really care less if we were at the lake or the beach or in a Motel 6 outside of Austin. My perceptions of vacation have since been corrected, and I have been able to enjoy them for what they are and not get annoyed because they aren't what they used to be. :) See? God's at work in my heart.

(Kidding. I am hopeful and CERTAIN that he has done much bigger and more eternal things in me than shifting my view of vacation.)

August: After being pregnant and working (also known as: had no energy for anything but laying on the couch and eating rocky road most evenings) and then adjusting to life with a little one (also known as: can't write your own name or remember if you ate that day,) it was this month that I finally felt normal. I had resurfaced and realized that I. Was. Missing. Out. I realized that I had a lot of insecurity that had been festering in my inability (or unwillingness, perhaps...) to do anything but what was in front of my face.

It was good to be reminded that I'm not accepted or valuable or more loved because of what I'm doing. But because Jesus has called me His.

Thanks, Tyler.

Seems like I may have learned that lesson a time or two before.

Hm....

September: Tyler and I spent our first nights away from our sweet girl. We were in the same hotel, but my parents kept little E while I got my first full night of sleep in 4 months. However, much like vacation, a full night of sleep has to be enjoyed for what it is now and not what it used to be. (The constant worry about how she's doing and discomfort that comes with not nursing when you're used to takes away a tad bit from the peace of a full night of sleep.) However different it may have been, it was marvelous and I love that my mom was so excited to do that for us. :) Thanks, KK, you're the best!

October: I turned 26.

Elle got 2 teeth.

I started meeting with a group of young mamas that live in my neighborhood in hopes that we would continually challenge each other to be obedient to scripture and love Jesus more and more. This has been so good and challenging for my soul.

I also got baptized this month!

The story behind my baptism is this: I was baptized when I was 9. Mostly because my mom encouraged me to, because our pastor at the time said I should be. Looking back, I did have a desire to know God, but had no understanding of the implications of God becoming man to take my deserved punishment and giving me undeserved love and acceptance. I was baptized out of a love and obedience to my parents. My mom said I should, so I did! However, as my love and affection for Christ has grown out of the knowledge of the depth of my sin and the heights of His perfection, I began to feel that I needed to be baptized again. This time out of a knowledge of the symbolism and proclamation of the event: That I was a new creation, buried with Christ in His death and raised to walk in the newness of life in His resurrection. Also, because I ultimately want to be obedient to Jesus in this life. Because I love Him and trust Him as King. If He says to be baptized in faith, I want to walk in that.

It was so special to have Tyler baptize me. I also got baptized alongside Tyler's cousin Luke and a good friend, James Ornelas. Such a good day and beautiful evidence of the way God doesn't let go of me. Even in my obstinate disobedience.

November: The ladybug's first Thanksgiving! We got to see both sides of our family, which is always such a blessing.

After much anguish over Elle's crazy sleeping habits, we enlisted the help of a very experienced friend. She's had 5 kids and has gotten all of them to sleep through the night at a reasonable age. Those are some serious credentials. It was with her help that we moved Elle to a 4 hour nursing schedule. (She was still nursing every 2 hours. I had no idea that that was too much. But apparently, nursing only ever 2 hours doesn't keep her tummy as full at night.) And we fully introduced solids. I had only been giving her about one meal a day from about 5 1/2 months up to this point. Here's what our schedule looks like now:

7:30 wake up and nurse

8:30 solid breakfast

10 morning nap

11:30 wake up and nurse

12:45 or 1 solid lunch

2:30 nap

4 wake up and nurse

5:45 solid dinner

8 bottle and bedtime!

(giving Elle a bottle before bed has been so helpful for me to know exactly how much she ate, that way if she wakes up in the night I know if she's hungry or not and I don't fall into the trap of nursing her because I think she might be hungry and it turns into a nursing dependency. Which, I know nothing about. I've never done that. Ever.)

Granted, this is just a skeleton. She just got done teething (and, is working on another one. 5 down, 15 more to go! Sigh...) and that means she will NOT nap longer than 45 minutes. Since we're letting her figure out how to put herself to sleep at this point, that also might mean that she sleeps until 8:30 or 9 if it took her awhile to fall asleep the night before.

**I am very proud to announce, however, that my sweet, precious, wonderful, beautiful little girl slept for 11 hours STRAIGHT last night. This. is. a. big. deal. people! She only cried for 7 minutes and slept until 7:30. She even woke up around 6, cried for a few minutes and just as I was stepping out of the fog to get her up, thinking that she was probably hungry at that point, she put her little self back to sleep. Hoping that this becomes normal in our lives.

December: Tyler and I celebrated our 3rd anniversary with a wonderful meal at Uchiko. Very seriously the best and most interesting meal I have ever had. It was great. We recounted what a great year in our marriage it has been. Our friendship and enjoyment of one another continues to grow. And as the Lord works in my heart to change me and make me more like Him (very, very slowly sometimes...) I've grown in my capacity to trust Tyler. Not because Tyler is infallible, but because God is perfect and wise and perfectly placed Tyler as my husband. To refine and shape me. All that to say, God is gracious and loves my husband and has made him very wise and trustworthy when it comes to leading our family. He's wonderful. I'm very thankful to have been married to him for 3 years and excited about however many more years God gives us together.

We celebrated Gods Gift to us with our little girl for the first time! It was a blast. She didn't quite care about unwrapping anything, but loved pulling bows off packages. We didn't develop any traditions this year, but began talking about how we'd like to do Advent next year.

We ended the year with a few friends at our house for dinner and kicked them all out by 11 because Tyler had to preach the next day and needed rest.

Wow. What a wonderful and blessed year it has been! So many firsts! Thankful!

Life and 8 month olds...

This little lady is officially 8 months old (on 12/23.) Time has absolutely flown. In the name of documentation, here are some things that are new in her world:

-Eating finger foods like a champ. She would probably prefer solely eating finger foods, because whenever I bust out that little plastic spoon and the pureed goodness it's war. (Slight exaggeration, she's actually a very good eater. She just enjoys feeding herself and doesn't seem to enjoy as much when she doesn't have control.)

-Crawling everywhere. She was a little wobbly and slow at first (starting around 7 months) but she is actually quite speedy now.

-Pulling up on anything and everything that her little chubby hands can reach. Quite often that includes my legs.

-Has FOUR teeth! She got her first two teeth (the bottom middle 2) at about 5 months and the two on either side of those teeth broke through yesterday. I love her little snaggle-tooth smile :)

-Making raspberry sounds. She loves to play the imitation game. If you blow a raspberry at her, she'll do it back to you. So much fun.

-Waving! She started this when her Great Grandpa was waving at her on Christmas and all of a sudden, a sweet little hand went up and down in the air! Sometimes she puts her whole arm into it, sometimes she just grabs the air with her hand. Love seeing her learn and associate words with actions.

-(Speaking of words...) I think she has a growing understanding of the word "no"... actually "no ma'am" which is what we say to her most frequently. Tyler and I have both seen her stop what she's doing when we say, "No ma'am!" firmly. Still hasn't worked in trying to teach her not to stand in her crib or in the bath tub. I feel like my life lately has been spent sitting/laying her back down and saying, "No ma'am. Elle, we don't stand in the crib/bathtub." Sheesh

-Still crying herself to sleep... this has been not so fun for me. Or anyone really. It brings lots of anxiety and stress. We decided, after we were done traveling for the holidays, to buckle down. I committed to not going in and interacting with her for as long or as often. It. Has. Been. ROUGH. I think, in large part, due to her teeth coming through. I've struggled with this, because everything in me wants to abandon our plan because she's been teething. I want to blame all her sleeping struggles on this. And it MAY be that, but I don't think it's wise for me to cave in and rock her to sleep or let her sleep with us every night because she's hurting. I've been giving her baby ibuprofen and trying to stick with it. There have been several days where she has cried right through every nap and then falls asleep eating in the evening because she's so exhausted. We're on day 4 of this bootcamp and I'm giving it until Sunday. Hopefully we'll see some progress by then. Progress at this point would look like less than 45 minutes of crying :(. And naps longer than 30 minutes after falling asleep. Not fun for anyone, I say.

[We did have one night where she fell asleep after only 2 minutes of crying AND put herself back to sleep in the middle of the night after only 20 minutes of crying. I think this was God's gift to me to help me press on. I can totally handle 2 minutes of crying!]

I hate to end on that note. Because this has been the best month by far.

Building more than I see...

I meet weekly with a group of young moms in our neighborhood. We mostly spend time processing through scripture, which is good, necessary and challenging for all of us. But, today we spent time sharing how we were doing.

Mostly prompted because I have been struggling. Struggling with the insecurity and discontentment that "merely" taking care of a child can bring to a heart that's not finding it's worth in the truth that God calls me worthy in Jesus.

I found that the lot of us were all struggling with this insecurity and discontentment of staying at home. Are we really doing anything that's important? Are our husbands mentally rolling their eyes as we explain the stress of a baby that didn't take as long a nap as they should? What are we really spending our days doing?

Blah.

But here's where I'm encouraged and uplifted. The gospel. God, wrapped in flesh, became a baby. He became small and insignificant. He spit up and cried and pooped on Himself. and His mother spent her days cleaning Him up, rocking Him to sleep and taking care of Him. And one day, Jesus would bridge the eternal divide that existed between His Father and creation. One day, Jesus would defeat sin and death. Crazy. Mary's mundane was made into the greatest gift humanity has ever been given, and God was glorified in the small things.

Here's what John Piper has to say about it:

"There is a principle here that applies to you and me: God takes small, imperfect things and builds them into a habitation for his glory. O, how we should take courage in our little spheres of influence! And is this not the message of Advent and Christmas?

What more appropriate word could God have said to Mary as Jesus was growing up: Take courage, young mother, you build more than you see. And so it is with every one of us. Nothing you do is a trifle if you do it in the name of God. He will shake heaven and earth to fill your labor with splendor. Take courage, you build more than you see."

My heart is filled with hope because bottles and laundry are not the end of what's being built here. My heart is filled with hope because I am not the dictator of how things will turn out. My heart is filled with hope in thinking on how God made good on His promise to save me when Jesus was born.

You build more than you see...

Independence...

A little [embarassing] fact about me. I used to think I was an awesome speller. But then I noticed that I always spell "independence" "independAnce." Maybe I thought it made the word more fun?

Which leads me to my next point. Teaching my kid independence has not been as fun as I dreamed it would be. (Actually, I don't think I thought about it much until recently.) At least at this point. Currently, we're attempting to teach her to be independent of us (me, really) in falling asleep. In the past 7 months I have been vehemently against letting Elle "Cry-It-Out" (CIO). There was something that curled up and died inside of me as a mom in not soothing my child when she's crying for me. I couldn't and just wouldn't handle it. I researched articles and studies that proved why letting Elle CIO was harmful for her. (There's not much... if you're interested.) So, for awhile, even though I had to RUN to her every couple of hours to prevent the cry from escalating to supersonic levels, I stuck by my stance of not letting my child cry. It was too painful for me and for her. And while rocking/nursing your cuddly, ever-growing-and-changing-not-a-baby-for-much-longer baby to sleep really is as wonderful as it sounds and I would do it every single night if I could, it's the constant waking and crying because they don't know how to calm themselves back to sleep after waking in the middle of the night that is absolutely exhausting. Not just for me. For Tyler, too.

After a series of somewhat heated discussions on the topic, I realized my sin in this area. I wanted absolute comfort in raising my child. Even if that meant losing sleep. I didn't want to hurt for her. I didn't want to even think that she might be in pain. This is motherhood, though, right? We want to keep our kids comfortable and happy and snuggled up safely in our arms, even if that means we never get any sleep. Even as I'm writing this, I'm fighting the urge to think, "But that's so noble of me! To give up my rest for the comfort of my daughter! What a great mom I am!"

But is our kids' happiness and comfort really the appropriate measure of success for us as mothers? I think America would like for us to believe that it is. But if I'm looking at parenting through the lens of who Jesus is and what He has created me for, success in parenting would be to usher my child into an independent love and worship of her creator. I don't want her to be a woman who says, "Yeah, my mom really loves Jesus" when asked about her faith. Or even the, "I was raised in a Christian home" answer that most of us utter when asked what we believe.

Thus began the first of many adventures in teaching Elle to be independent. Letting her cry. It has been every bit as hard as I thought it would be (though, not quite as intense and awful as it was the one time we let her cry when she was only 4 months old. If you're thinking of doing it, I would wait until 6-7 months-ish. It makes such a difference that I know her different cries.) I haven't let her cry for more than 10 minutes at a time at this point. (about 4 days in) And I do pick her up and sometimes even rock her a bit if she's super worked up. Maybe this will prolong the process, who knows? But I'm leaving room for that ever intrusive motherly instinct that some books tell you to squash in the name of efficiency. And, I will tell you that it. has. worked. She has actually put herself to sleep a few times. And last night, she even slept until 6 am. 6 IN THE MORNING, PEOPLE! Without making a peep after going to bed. (Well, after the crying...)

[Subsequently, it should have been the best night of sleep I've had since she was 2 months old when she slept 8 hours at a time... but I woke up every hour wondering when she was going to wake up. Go figure. Still! It was a win for the David family!]

However, there is something so so sad about letting your sweet child cry herself to sleep. But, there are going to be lots of those moments, I'm sure. Encouraging her to go to overnight camp even though she is terrified... Teaching her to love and deal with mean kids at school... Disciplining her for making foolish choices... None of these things will be fun. I will probably cry. I will probably hurt for her. I will probably want to swoop down to save her, and I will on occasion! Afterall, God swooped down to save me, and that is what grace is, right?

But, right now, I am embarking on the first of many journeys in teaching Elle to be independent. (Not indpendAnt.)

For the record. I tried lots of other methods in my opposition to letting her cry. Pick Up/Put Down from the Baby Whisperer being the most successful. It just was not sustainable overnight. BUT, this method did help Elle not to be dependent on nursing to sleep and if you have an iron will and a husband with an iron will, then I say DO IT! It's a great alternative to letting your kid CIO. Despite what some doctors and authors say, letting them cry isn't the only way, but other ways just didn't work for our family. The Baby Whisperer by Tracy Hogg is a great resource and is by far the best and most moderate (in regards to attachment parenting vs. putting your kids on a strict schedule) parenting book I've read. Which, I really value.

And, what kind of mother would I be if I didn't leave you with a little picture to oogle? :)

And, just because she's even cuter awake than she is asleep :)